As a pharmacist, I start
professionally.
A group of young men broke into a Chemist's shop
yesterday and stole his entire stock of Viagra. Police
are on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.
Anon.
Announcement
From Brussels
The European Union commissioners have announced that
agreement has been reached to adopt English as the
preferred language for European communications, rather
than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for
what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the
soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this
news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with
"k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f".
This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent
shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new
spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible. Governments will
enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that
the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is
disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps
such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze
fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid
to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten
styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun
vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
Light
bulb changing joke, Christian-style
Q: How many agnostics does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: None, since it is dark they can't be sure there's a
light socket
Q How many Amish does it take to change a light
bulb?
A "What's a light bulb?"
Q: How many Anglicans does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say
how much they liked the old one better
Q: How many Arminians does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Only one provided the light bulb is prpared to make a
bit of an effort as well.
Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: One. But they are still in darkness.
Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: The whole congregation needs to vote on it!
Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Change?????
Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its
glowing.
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it
falls!
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the
experience!
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to
change a light bulb?
A:None. It is your perception that must be changed, not
the bulb.
Q: How many conservative Anglicans does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to storm out in
protest if the person
changing it is a woman!
Q: How many evangelicals does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply
read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will
decide to change itself.
Q: How many tv evangelists does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go
forth, send in your donation today.
Q: How many Exclusive Psalmodists does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: One. They do it unaccompanied
Q: How many Independent Baptists does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Only one, anymore than that would be considered
ecumenical.
Q How many Independent Fundamentalists does it take to
change a light bulb?
A Only one, because any more might result in too much
cooperation.
Q: How many Irish Protestants does it take to change a
light bulb?
A:None. That light bulb ha been there for generations and
it would be a betrayal of the faith of our fathers to
change it. No surrender!
Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: How many does the book of answers say?
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not
the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the
existence of the light bulb they may not go ahead and
change it for fear of alienating those who use
fluorescent tubes.
Q: How many liberation theologians does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None! It's society that has to be changed.
Q: How many liberation theologians does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None--WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian
revolution!
Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the
year 2010, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go
find a national to do the job!
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to
tell him how to do it.
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Mormon light bulbs are not changed. They are a
restoration of the original light bulb through the
electrician Joseph Smith.
Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the
spirit of darkness.
Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: At least two, one teaching and one ruling. There must
be a plurality and parity of light bulb changers.
Q: How many Reformed Evangelicals does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb after a hundred others have
held a study conference to findwhether Calvin, Owen,
Whitefield or Spurgeon changed bulbs, how they did it and
how we can do it in the same spirit today.
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None. They always use candles instead.
Q: How many Truly Reformed does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None. Light bulbs are not part of Truly Reformed
worship. Scripture says nothing about light bulbs, so by
the regulative principle they should not be used in
worship..
Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of
or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your
own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you,
that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose
a modern dance about your personal relationship with your
light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light
Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of
light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of
which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Q How many United Methodists does it take to change a
light bulb?
A This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a
statement either in favor of or against the need for a
light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have
found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You
are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance
about your personal relationship with your ligh bulb (or
light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next
month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which
we will explore a number of light bulbtraditions,
including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-
life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to
luminescence."
Q: How many worship leaders does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: One just to hold it in the socket and let the whole
world revolve around him.
Q: How many youth ministers does it take to change a
light bulb?
A:Youth ministers are not around long enough for a bulb
to burn out.
Q: How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest
Plus a few
Philosophy
Light-Bulb Jokes by Glenn Miller and Anon
How many existentialists does it take to change a
light bulb?
Two--one to bemoan the darkness until the other redefines
something else as light.
How many Analytic Philosophers does it take to change
a light bulb?
None-its a pseudo-problem... light bulbs give off light
(hence the name)if the bulb was broken and wasn't giving
off light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it?
(oh, where has rigor gone?!)
How many monists does it take to change a light
bulb?
Don't be silly, there is only ONE monist...
How many deconstructionists does it take to change a
light bulb?
On the contrary, the NILE is the longest river in
Africa.
How many liberation theologians does it take to change
a light bulb?
None--WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian
revolution!
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light
bulb?
Only one (to aim the x-ray machine) but the bulb changes
very, very slowly.
How many Creation Scientists does it take to change a
light bulb?
Two: one to change it quickly, and one to point out that
no transitional forms occurred at all.
How many Sceptics does it take to change a light
bulb?
Actually, they won't do it--they have no sense of urgency
about the situation--they aren't sure they're really in
the dark...
How many theodicists does it take to change a light
bulb?
100-one to change the bulb, and 99 to explain why an
infinite God of love would allow darkness to occur in the
world at all.
How many Epicureans does it take to change a light
bulb?
None-they're too busy taking advantage of the
darkness!
How many Hegelians does it take to change a light
bulb?
None-the bulb is just at one dialectical pole between
'bright' and 'dark'--it will eventually synthesise these
into at least some dim glow for us...
How many Cartesians does it take to change a light
bulb?
None--unfortunately, when the bulb blew out, they were
all so shocked that they stopped thinking for that brief
moment--and 'poof', they all just blinked out of
existence.
How many capitalistic exploiters of the working
classes does it take to change a light bulb?None! That is
the historically determined role of the proletariat!
One more, not philosophical,
How many tech-support people does it take to change a
light-bulb?
Please continue to hold. Your call is very important to
us.
PC PRIMER (from
Canada but adapted by GJW)
Q: WHAT IS P.C.?
PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the
Politically Correct philosophy
believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of
cultures, race, gender,ideology and alternate lifestyles.
Political Correctness is the only social
and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with
this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or
closed-minded.
Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC?
Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is
a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that
you are undoing the social evils of centuries of
oppression.
Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC?
Sure. You just have to feel very guilty.
Q: WHY?
If you are a white male, your ancestors were
responsible for practically
every injustice in the world- slavery, war, genocide and
plaid sports coats. That means that YOU are partially
responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to
balance the scales of justice for the descendants of
those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed
down.
Q: HOW?
It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say,
what you think, and what
you do. You just don't want to offend anyone.
Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING
ANYONE?
That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will
not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John
Lennon's IMAGINE.
Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?
Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy
regular ice cream when you
can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega.. whoops separate
all of your garbage
into different containers: glass, metal, white paper,
blue paper, plastic,
etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested
on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your
water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the
same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain,
use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your
lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by
all means, don't burn or deface our flag.
If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic
heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should
listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2,
REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or KD Lang.
Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an
innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell,
"FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat.
Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?!
Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That
means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're
oppressing animals!
Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?
No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified,
like abortion. You have to be able to tell when an animal
has rights, and when it doesn't.
Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?
The general rule is as follows:
IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY,
HUGGABLE, OR LOVEABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.
Examine the following chart:
|
RIGHTS
|
NO RIGHTS
|
|
cows
|
cockroaches
|
|
cute bunnies
|
flies
|
|
dolphins in tuna
|
tuna in tuna nets
|
|
whales
|
sharks
|
|
red squirrels
|
grey squirrels
|
|
owls
|
loggers
|
|
seals
|
barnacles
|
Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?
Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural
differences, for they are what gives flavour to our great
country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check
your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National
Geographic. Search it for neat non-western cultural
traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper
as an alternate fuel source.
Q: I'M NOT SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just
remember. YOU ARE
RIGHT. It's that simple. You are right.
Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?
Good question. It's important to know when someone is
saying something
insensitive so that you can have that person removed from
society. The
guideline is as follows:
Is the confrontation between two white people? Yes -
The liberal is right.
No - The white person is oppressing the ethnic
person.
Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the
trial of O J Simpson are really race issues.
Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many
newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories.
It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the
weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!
Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING
NON-PC?
It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a
position of authority,by all means report this activity
immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school
leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the
90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the
insensitive offender disciplined.
Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?
The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and
insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what
free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call
it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a
particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say,
punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind
of verbal assault.
Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK,"
"INDIAN." ETC.
Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of
the way we think about
people comes directly from the words we use to describe
them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be
judged by the colour of their skin?
Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE
CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER?
No, I mean they should be judged by where their
ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from
Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be
identified by that fact. You can even apply for special
scholarships!
Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND
RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE?
No, there are none offered to white males however, if
you are a women ... oops ...
womyn, there should be plenty.
Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE
POLITICALLY CORRECT?
For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the
handbook.
Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO?
Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage
students to volunteer their time with philanthropies.
Also, we should reemphasise non-western perspectives on
history. Finally, we should restructure tests and quizzes
to reflect cultural biases.
Q: I DON'T GET IT.
Well, the way the system works now, "select"
underrepresented minorities who tend to do worse on
entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at
school and work and receive preferential treatment. This
is unfair and wrong.
Q: IT IS?
Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different
grading scale for different groups which gives or
subtracts points from the final score, depending on who
is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been
benefited by society during your life. That means that
you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to
everyone else.
Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.
It IS right. That's the beauty of PC.
Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?
Humour. PC people take every comment VERY seriously.
We will not accept any
comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it
could be a racial slur.
Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.
"What's black and white and red all over?" has been
staple humour for decades. Not PC---it can be taken the
wrong way. In every day speech, try to use phrases like,
"Isn't that the pot calling the kettle
African-Caribbean." Any racial jokes or jokes even
mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True,
this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but
that's the price you pay for social equality.
Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?
Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a
recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice
in this equality by treating people differently based on
their equal individuality. Hop aboard the
bandwagon...
Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist
insensitive pig.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
PC LEXICON
"Insensitive Term" "Preferred Term"
ETHNICITY (PC people do not recognise the term,
"race," as valid)
Black - African
(NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE SOUTH
AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS
OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)
Oriental - Asian
(NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES SINCE THEY TEND
TO DO WELL)
Indian - Native-American
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC:
Atlanta Braves
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Chiefs
Washington Redskins
AVOID THESE CITIES!!!)
Chicano - Hispanic
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC
Cisco Kid
Speedy Gonzales
White Trash - PC Unaware, Rustically Inclined
WASP (white male) - Insensitive Cultural Oppressor
(ICO)
GENDER
(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing
connotations)
Woman - Womyn, Vaginal-English
Girl - Pre-Womyn
Housewife - Domestic Engineer
Fireman - Fire-fighter
Stewardess - Flight Attendant
Meter Maid - Parking Enforcement Adjudicator
Post Man - Post Person
Mail Man - Person Person
Policeman - Law Enforcement Officer
Prostitute - Sex Surrogate
(Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)
Mankind, Human - Earth Children
PEOPLE : SUBGROUPS
Handicapped - Physically Challenged, Differently
Abled
Blind - Optically Darker, Photonically Non-receptive
Deaf - Visually Oriented
Poor - Economically Unprepared
Bum - Homeless Person, Displaced Homeowner, Arts
Graduate
Hunter - Animal Assassin, Meat Mercenary, Bambi
Butcher
Whaler - Blubber Lovers
Old Person / Elderly - 4th-Dimentionally Extended,
Gerontologically Advanced
Conservative - Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig
Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged
Bald - Comb-Free
Queer - Lesbian or Gay
Midget, Dwarf - Little People, Vertically Challenged
Convict - Socially Separated
Insane People - Selectively Perceptive, Mental
Explorers
Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Logger - Wood Weasel, Paper Pirate, Tree slayer
Dead People -Biologically Challenged, Metaphysically
Challenged
MISCELLANEOUS
Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family
Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
Senile - Alzheimer's Victim
Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area,
Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury
Cheating (in School) - Academic Dishonesty
Used Books - Recycled Books
Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units
Gang - Youth Group
Drunk - Spatially Perplexed
Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
Delicatessen - Corpse Farm, Charnel House
Obese - People of Mass,Gravitationally Challenged
The Generic
Ethnic Joke
A person, belonging to an ethnic group whose members
are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical
mannerisms, met another person belonging to a different
ethnic group with a different set of imputed
stereotypical mannerisms.
The first person acted in a manner consistent with the
stereotypes associated with his ethnic group. He
proceeded to make a remark, which might be considered to
establish conclusively his membership in that group.
Whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a
double meaning. The first meaning of which could be
interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion.
But the other meaning of which, serves to corroborate his
membership in his particular ethnic group.
The first person took offence at his remark, and
reacted in a stereotypical way.
THINGS
WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG...
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your
face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet
them.
Let others know when they've invaded your
territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find
it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close
by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady
tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire
body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the
guilt thing and pout... run right back and make
friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Editors Note: If it's a dogs life your leading... or
you're working like a dog... I hope you are able to
follow the above rules. Take a moment, take a breath and
just enjoy being alive.
By way of contrast, here is one thing not to be
learned from your dog.
A little boy went to stay the night with a friend and
ate supper with their family. Before they ate, the boy
bowed his head and waited for the blessing to be said.
But everyone started helping themselves to the food and
he looked back up, puzzled.
"What's wrong, why aren't you eating?" asked his
friend's mom.
The boy, who had been taught to give thanks, asked,
"Don't you pray at meals?"
The father said they didn't.
"Oh, I see," said the lad, "You're just like my dog-
-you start right in!"
The Tooth Fairy
Dear ..............., :
Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your
pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a
monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's
teeth, we were unable to process your request for the
following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very
funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive
odour
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve
Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe
in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was
received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog
at the time of our visit
( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not
satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as
follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided
the following
certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail
store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look
forward to serving you in. the future.
Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy
Application for
Permission
to Date My Daughter
Pre-Application Information:
This application will be considered incomplete and
therefore rejected unless accompanied by a complete
financial statement, job history, lineage, letters of
acceptance to Oxford or Cambridge, and current medical
report (from a reputable doctor).
PART 1:
NAME: ____________________________________
BIRTH DATE: _________________________
HEIGHT: _____________________
WEIGHT: ____________________
IQ: ______________ (Less than 90, crawl back to the
rock you came out from under and DO NOT add to the gene
pool.)
ANNUAL INCOME (mandatory): ___________________
NATIONAL INSURANCE: ________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #: ________________
BOY SCOUT RANK & MERIT BADGES:
____________________________
HOME ADDRESS:
________________________________________________
Do you have parents?
_______________________________
If NO, explain (in ten words or less):
________________________________________________________________
If YES, number of years they have been married:
If they have been married less than your age,
explain:
________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
PART 2:
Do you own a van? ____________
A truck with oversized tires? ____________
A waterbed? ____________
A pickup with a mattress in the back? ___________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, and/or bellybutton
ring?
A tattoo? ___________
(IF YOU HAVE ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE-
-DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES.)
PART 3:
In 50 words or less - what does LATE mean to you?
________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less - what does MARRIAGE mean to
you?
________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less - what does ABSTINENCE mean to
you?
________________________________________________________________
What church do you attend? _____________
How often? ___________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father? ___________
Mother? ___________
Priest? ___________
Probation Officer? ______________
PART 4:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please feel free to
answer all questions.
Answers given will be considered confidential.
A. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be
shot would be:
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken
is my:
C. A woman's place is:
D. The two things I hope this application does not
ask:
1)______________________________________________________________2)______________________________________________________________
E. When I first met your daughter, the one thing that
I noticed first was:
________________________________________________________________(Note:
IF answer E begins with T or A, discontinue application.
Leave premises immediately. It is highly advised to keep
your head down and zigzag.)
F. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
Part 5:
What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
___________
(Note: IF multiple answers are given to the question
above, discontinue application. Stay seated. There is a
sawed-off pointed at your knees. There are probably
several fathers looking for you right now!)
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE
AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF
DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, AND
ELECTROCUTION ADMINISTERED BY "WE-BREAK 'EM" INSURANCE
BROKERS.
__________________________________________________
SIGNATURE (an "X" is not sufficient.)
Thank you for expressing interest in my daughter.
Please allow 1-2 years for processing. You will be
contacted in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call, write, or try to visit my
daughter during this time (it would result in
disqualification of your application and bodily harm
visited upon you.) If your application is rejected, you
will be notified by Louigi and Vinny of We-Break 'em
Insurance Brokers. Have a nice day.
10
Simple Rules for Dating My
Daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd
better be delivering a package, because you're sure not
picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me.
You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at
anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or
hands off of my daughter's body, I will assist you by
amputating them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered
fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers
so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be
fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this
compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do
not, in fact, fall down during the course of your date
with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's
world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some
kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to
sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues
of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I
require from you is an indication of when you expect to
have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow,
with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine
with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,
you will continue to date no one but her until she is
finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you
cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting
for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by,
do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting
on her makeup, a process that can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing
there, why don't you do something useful, like changing
the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate
for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds,
sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where
there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places
where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old
folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But
on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you
are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me
the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I
have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the
house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very
little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the
driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy
outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up,
the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the
guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon
as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car
with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter
password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought
my daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car. There is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Like me, you may have a list of things to be done when you get around to
it. To help you, here is a a round tuit..... well, I nearly got a round tuit
not quite
oOO OOO OOO OOO OOo
oOO oOO
oOO OOo
oOO THIS IS A TUIT OOo
oOO ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OOo
oOO OOo
oOO OOo
oOO At long last. We have sufficient quantity OOo
oOO OOo
oOO for you to have one of your own. Guard it with your OOo
oOO OOo
oOO life. These TUITS are hard to come by, especially the OOo
oOO OOo
oOO round ones. For years you've been saying " I'll do that OOo
oOO OOo
oOO as soon as I get a round tuit." Now that you have a OOo
oOO OOo
oOO ROUND TUIT of your own, many things that you OOo
oOO OOo
oOO meant to do just may get done ! OOo
oOO OOo
oOO So get tuit ! OOo
oOO ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OOo
oOO OOo
oOO oOO
oOO oOO
oOO OOO OOO OOO OO
THINGS
YOU PROBABLY NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH:
10. Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon
went over time 25 minutes.
8. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable
than golf.
7. I've decided to give our church the £500.00 a
month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the
teenage Sunday School class.
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay
our pastor so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard
before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the worship
service early!
2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar
in the Bahamas.
. . . And the number one thing you probably never
heard in Church:
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment
like our annual stewardship campaign!
What
They Might Have Said
Messages that might have been found in my guest
book
These fake quotes are based on the work of web
humourist, Avishai
Fusksman
Graham's homepage, is one small step for man, one giant
leap for mankind. Neil Armstrong
Graham's homepage - is the opium of the masses. Karl
Marx
I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I
understand . I surf and I pay a huge phone bill.
Confucius.
Sometimes a homepage is just a homepage. Sigmund
Freud.
I HAVE A DREAM.... to have a great homepage like Graham's
. Martin Luther King.
Graham, I think this could be the beginning of a
beautiful friendship. Humphrey Bogart , Casablanca.
I'll make Graham an offer he can't refuse Marlon
Brando.
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn about Graham's
homepage Clark Gable.
Never in the field of internet, was so much owed by so
many to one homepage builder
Winston S. Churchill (after visiting my homepage).
READ MY LIPS - no more homepages like this one- George
Bush.
And so, my fellow net surfers, ask not what your homepage
can do for you; ask what you can do for your homepage. John
F. Kennedy
To bookmark this homepage or not to bookmark, that is the
question William Shakespeare.
In this world, nothing is certain but death,taxes and
lame homepages like this one. Benjamin Franklin.
Having looked at your homepage I would like you to come
up and see me sometime. Mae West
I came. I saw, I book marked. Julius Caesar
Like a dog walking on its hind legs, Graham's homepage is
not done well but one is amazed to see it done at all.
Samuel Johnson
If you can keep a straight face after visiting Graham's
homepage, you are devoid of a sense of humour, my son.
Rudyard Kipling
I had nothing to declare but my genius, but that was
before I visited Graham's homepage. Oscar Wilde
These homepages are not for turning. Margaret
Thatcher
We are amused. Queen Victoria after visiting my
homepage
